Never changing

“People die, I think, but your relationship with them doesn't. It continues and is ever-changing.”  Jandy Nelson

We already started to live the last month of the year 2016. This year was strange. I lost a precious part of mine, but at the same time, I learned something invaluable from that loss. Here is the short glimpse of that loss what entered into our lives unplanned.

If I remember correctly, it was around 9 am when my airplane landed at IGI airport in New Delhi. I came out, collected my baggage then moved to the domestic terminal to catch another flight. The first time, when I was there, I didn’t feel any hurry either eagerness to reach home. I felt like I am missing something and am going to lose it forever. I wanted to escape from everything, an escape from reality which I might see soon, and that was the reason for my reluctances I had that morning. I reached the domestic terminal and had to wait for almost 2 hours before taking the next one. During those waiting times, I didn’t feel to call someone or chat. There was emptiness around me, and I was feeling restless to witness another stage of life which was knocking at my door. It was mid noon, and I could remember the bright sunny day outside. But I was experiencing the silence and impervious darkness around. The darkness, that seemed to hover over my head and to take away every single ray of light I had before. The time I had spent during the flight between New Delhi and Lucknow, I didn’t realize even a single bit of it because the entire time was occupied in search of dimensions to draw some more conclusions from the life.

I arrived at Lucknow Airport around 1 pm and then took the cab. The distance between Lucknow airport and my home is not long, maybe be around 2 hours. But that day, I was counting the time, every moment of that period was full of questions rather than the happiness of meeting my family again after a long time. The cab dropped me at in front of my house, I took my bag and stepped in. At that moment, when I took the first step, for few seconds my foot was in the air. I was lost in the thoughts, and I was asking myself why the time is meddling with my life. I have never allowed the time to play with me, then why now?  Why the time seems more powerful, and yelling at me and saying that finally he conquered and I lost.

My heart started to pound heavily, and somewhere I wished, it would have been nice if I could hold the things in the same way as I left. But that was my heart, scared of being alone every time. I stepped inside with a lot of fear and convincing myself that I need to show consent to the reality, and need to understand that the reality is not always brutal. The darkness is not always there to spook, sometimes its presence reminds that the morning will come soon. Though the thoughts are thoughts, seems very practical when you have to say to someone else but gets complicated when there is a requirement to imply on you. Even there was a lot of commotion inside, I held everything inside, my tears too and didn’t let the dark painful clouds to rule my countenance. I crossed the living room, it was empty and barren instead of livelihood. Then I went to other room, I looked in the kitchen. But my eyes were not able to find what they were intended to find. For what they had traveled so far and spent 9 hours in the flight. I went upstairs to check, but as usual, I again met the disappointment. I came back to the living room and finally realized that what I was looking so far, it was already gone. My grandma was gone, gone forever. My disappointment burst into tears, and later the face acquired the crimson red color because of anger. The anger was not to anyone that I wasn’t informed. That anger was for the time, clinched even the last opportunity to be there in her last moments and left me with the guilt of not being there at that time.

Since last five months, she is not with us. But now I know she is never gone, she is always with us. She made me realize that distance doesn’t matter, between the continental boundaries either after the death. Love is always there within you, and no one has the power to take that from you. You need to learn how to love and that would be the only thing which might last long other things are fragile. I love you “Amma” and thankful to you for making me a better and stronger person than I was before.

What I shared with you, and what we meant to, it will never change,

Even the things will be lost one day, we will be alive in our thoughts like a mountain range,

Nothing is gone, it's only us, we are forced to perceive the end,

But in reality, relations are dimensionless as the sky, and there we need to go and build a home for ourselves, my dear friend.

Untouched memories

If I say I learned everything from my mother’s womb, obviously it’s not true, we learn with time. On this weekend, I was out for lunch at a friend’s place. As food (Lasagna), the afternoon was also full of taste and accompanied with different flavors. Sometimes we got opened up about the things what we have never imagined to share. But then you will realize what you have seen, what you have gone through, it was just a part of memory. Later you need to decide whether you consider that memory to close behind the old pages, either wanted them to sit beside you so you can feel the warmness stored inside them even they are no longer part of your life.

I came back late in the evening from my friend’s place, it was pretty dark outside. I reached home within 5 minutes but all the way I was pondering about the same thing. I slept just for few hours, I woke up, was contemplating about the thoughts we shared.  As I said to my friend that I am thankful for those memories. They gave me the courage to be myself, to be what I am today. Those memories explored another side of me where even I have never been before. So how I could be envious towards them? For me they are beautiful, they have seen me sometimes broken, sometimes when I wailed like a five years old child, when I got my own way and built the dreams I need to. In that case, I accept or not, but they were always there maybe not for others, for me yes.

It’s hard to presume, but even for those memories I never cared. I meant to say, I never cared about the thoughts those asked me to check whether I belong to them or not, maybe I am not their part at all. Who cares, it’s always important to live the way you want, you can’t overrule the feelings at certain points, even you can’t change the things so let it be. Then care about the things what you think is right, in this way whatever you will comprehend that is not going to leave you, it’s going to be last forever, just for you.

I was there for more than years, every time I felt that it’s probably the last day of mine,

But somehow you kept me alive, you persisting attitude and unrequited care for everything,

Always held the string so carefully which I thought was about to break, but never happened,

And I continued to live, though witnessed the wreckage of stagnant dreams, never get stoned,

Untouched till now, but you made me free today from that scary darkness,

I can sense the feeling of freeness for us, and thankful that you made this choice,

Though it took you so long, I know it was never easy for you,

To comprehends the thoughts what you had before, and annotate them with a single voice,

Whatever it was, within the shadows of the days we unveiled ourselves, and at least we got the way,

I know it’s still hard, but to reach the end we have to cross the long hallway I would say.

Long Birthday Walk

How do you feel about getting a year older? My answer was always same, neither have I felt too excited about this nor regretful. It’s so evident, we get older every day. At the end of the day, I always perceive the concept of losing another day of my life, and I ask myself, what did I plan before and did I achieve something? I always found so many questions to ask and to many realms to explore. For me this day what we call “Birthday” is nothing special, it always made me think a lot. Since last few years, I have considered this day for my evaluation. How I confronted the things to mold them according to the given task, how have I overcome my emotions, how many times I flunked? There are so many questions like this which I have jotted down and given them full prerogatives to impart any kind of judgment.

At the same time, I also try to remember the beautiful moments I had previously. But I never made an attempt to cross the line of self-emotions. I didn’t remember, but as in harmony with current demand and what I have learned from the close ones, a long meditation on the emotions does not worth at all because it will always be like a storm that can’t be avoided and also can’t be considered to keep among ourselves. I have seen on several occasions, your emotions are just a reflection of your weakness for others even for them too whom you presume your part. I agree though sometimes your emotions also help you to make a right choice and strengthen yourself.

That’s the reason I took a long walk tonight around the city where I live. I walked on the small streets where I have never been since last two years. Sometimes in the darkness I felt afraid, I felt the solitude around me and felt the need of having someone. I wished that could be nice to walk along with your dreams on your side. Those were the questions, arisen from the emotional side of the personality. But as I walked more, I felt more strength. I felt the freeness around the spirit and getting rid of these emotions. I got back to the concept of evaluation. I started to think about the changes I made to color my dreams. I began to think where I have lacked, what I have missed and where I still need to move ahead?

The entire walk was so long, I was completely tired at the end and feeling warm though it was a cold fall evening. I got back to home with an undefined smile on a face and with some hidden tears. Still, there are questions those are left unsaid, and I wish I could find an answer for them one day. But for the moment I know where I need to direct myself, what I need to add later to my journey with time. Anyways, I also wanted to wish myself “Happy Birthday,” and hope that one day I would also feel special as others for this day.

Not too many words today to frame them in the form of poetry, but just a few lines for me.

As I grew with time, I lost the meaning of this day in the midst,

Midst of relations where the things are only virtual and demanding,

Emotions indicate weakness for others, neither strength to support the drive,

I just saw the adaptation of everything which can help to survive,

But I don’t want to become like others, I wish to have life as mine,

Where I can walk without any perturbations and fear,

And I can find the real reason of being alive, what I could only define.

Goodbyes

This one is dedicated to a friend who left today to start a new chapter of his life. I wish our goodbyes can bring cherishable moments in the life of my friend.

Goodbyes are sometimes webbed around the corner of coffee table,

Where we meet with some unforgettable moments and but we can’t steal them from time,

Keeping everything aside, we need to move ahead though it’s taking us far,

Because we all belong to different frames and we need to go back from where we are,

Goodbyes are sometimes seen in our laugh, and sometimes from the tears in our eyes,

Sometimes we don’t know why we need to say because we are grounded with some untold lies,

Goodbyes are wrapped with the bundle of memories we collect in time,

Reminder of what we have left behind and what we will add later,

The manifestation of upcoming desires, to define realm and to find our reality sublime,

Maybe today’s Goodbye is not for me, it’s just for my friend,

I am sure, it’s not going to last forever, and you will be coming soon,

Because we always leave the things so we can come back and define,

Today is your turn, but I will also be saying soon that today “Goodbye” is mine.

Still

Sometimes things are falling apart into pieces, and you get confused, you always being asked to yourself how to bring them back together? I don’t know would it be familiar for everyone either it’s just me who has this kind of senses to perceive them. A small event can change everything, your plans, your desire, maybe everything whatever you have scheduled so far. These events can drill the dark and tangled mine of memories where you don’t want to spare a single minute of your life. But it happens, and you can’t control it. Just you can take care of those falling pieces, you can collect them and store safely so if ever get a chance in future either you find a way to join them together. You can have them again but when and how you still have to wait for that no one knows.

Hard sometimes to bring all the pieces those are fallen apart,
But I know we all never let the hope to go away,
We always try to get them back because they belong to us, are undefined part,

Things happen in our lives, sometimes unpredictable and unresolved
Just like a cold fall morning, breaking all the fall norms,
Instead of leading to a warm sunny, leads to a scary day with a bunch of thunderstorms,

Sometimes they didn’t come up only with the present,
They hide so many things behind, and reveal all the pages of your story one by one,
When eclipse occurs, Sun has to lose himself gradually,
There is no other way to regain the power, nothing else can be done,

At last, you can just hold them very tightly,
And hope to be with them, not to lose them,
And wait for the time, when you will find a way,
To bring everything back together, without throwing anything away.

Long night & me

End of Sunday evenings, it’s hard to imagine about Monday’s sometimes. I got back to home after a week of work. So I need to have some rest, it’s quite normal. But before heading to the bed, I want to share something with this night, because we both are same.

Oh, Long night, just enjoy the time because the morning will come soon,

But till then I can embrace you with my love and whatever I have,

Maybe not something phenomenal, but something which can be pure and true as you,

Without any delusion, keeping the things in a way so we can be honest with each other as I knew,

The world has already fallen in sleep and may not be bothering about us,

So why should we? Without any vacillation, just come and lean by my side,

Let me tell you my story and you should tell yours,

Tenderness and warmth lingering, let give them a chance to be with us and to enjoy a new ride,

You are also empty and alone like me, but I am sure we didn’t have any complaints,

We both love this idea of being alone and loved by ourselves,

We are happy being trading off the inevitable pain of broken heart,

Even it’s something different for others, but we belong to this, and we both are the part,

Then come with me tonight, where we can share some moments,

I can share with you, and you can share with me,

We can leave everything behind for a while in your shadow my dear,

Walk down till the end where we both have never been,

And try to hold the things for each other what we have never seen.