Untouched memories

If I say I learned everything from my mother’s womb, obviously it’s not true, we learn with time. On this weekend, I was out for lunch at a friend’s place. As food (Lasagna), the afternoon was also full of taste and accompanied with different flavors. Sometimes we got opened up about the things what we have never imagined to share. But then you will realize what you have seen, what you have gone through, it was just a part of memory. Later you need to decide whether you consider that memory to close behind the old pages, either wanted them to sit beside you so you can feel the warmness stored inside them even they are no longer part of your life.

I came back late in the evening from my friend’s place, it was pretty dark outside. I reached home within 5 minutes but all the way I was pondering about the same thing. I slept just for few hours, I woke up, was contemplating about the thoughts we shared.  As I said to my friend that I am thankful for those memories. They gave me the courage to be myself, to be what I am today. Those memories explored another side of me where even I have never been before. So how I could be envious towards them? For me they are beautiful, they have seen me sometimes broken, sometimes when I wailed like a five years old child, when I got my own way and built the dreams I need to. In that case, I accept or not, but they were always there maybe not for others, for me yes.

It’s hard to presume, but even for those memories I never cared. I meant to say, I never cared about the thoughts those asked me to check whether I belong to them or not, maybe I am not their part at all. Who cares, it’s always important to live the way you want, you can’t overrule the feelings at certain points, even you can’t change the things so let it be. Then care about the things what you think is right, in this way whatever you will comprehend that is not going to leave you, it’s going to be last forever, just for you.

I was there for more than years, every time I felt that it’s probably the last day of mine,

But somehow you kept me alive, you persisting attitude and unrequited care for everything,

Always held the string so carefully which I thought was about to break, but never happened,

And I continued to live, though witnessed the wreckage of stagnant dreams, never get stoned,

Untouched till now, but you made me free today from that scary darkness,

I can sense the feeling of freeness for us, and thankful that you made this choice,

Though it took you so long, I know it was never easy for you,

To comprehends the thoughts what you had before, and annotate them with a single voice,

Whatever it was, within the shadows of the days we unveiled ourselves, and at least we got the way,

I know it’s still hard, but to reach the end we have to cross the long hallway I would say.

Long Birthday Walk

How do you feel about getting a year older? My answer was always same, neither have I felt too excited about this nor regretful. It’s so evident, we get older every day. At the end of the day, I always perceive the concept of losing another day of my life, and I ask myself, what did I plan before and did I achieve something? I always found so many questions to ask and to many realms to explore. For me this day what we call “Birthday” is nothing special, it always made me think a lot. Since last few years, I have considered this day for my evaluation. How I confronted the things to mold them according to the given task, how have I overcome my emotions, how many times I flunked? There are so many questions like this which I have jotted down and given them full prerogatives to impart any kind of judgment.

At the same time, I also try to remember the beautiful moments I had previously. But I never made an attempt to cross the line of self-emotions. I didn’t remember, but as in harmony with current demand and what I have learned from the close ones, a long meditation on the emotions does not worth at all because it will always be like a storm that can’t be avoided and also can’t be considered to keep among ourselves. I have seen on several occasions, your emotions are just a reflection of your weakness for others even for them too whom you presume your part. I agree though sometimes your emotions also help you to make a right choice and strengthen yourself.

That’s the reason I took a long walk tonight around the city where I live. I walked on the small streets where I have never been since last two years. Sometimes in the darkness I felt afraid, I felt the solitude around me and felt the need of having someone. I wished that could be nice to walk along with your dreams on your side. Those were the questions, arisen from the emotional side of the personality. But as I walked more, I felt more strength. I felt the freeness around the spirit and getting rid of these emotions. I got back to the concept of evaluation. I started to think about the changes I made to color my dreams. I began to think where I have lacked, what I have missed and where I still need to move ahead?

The entire walk was so long, I was completely tired at the end and feeling warm though it was a cold fall evening. I got back to home with an undefined smile on a face and with some hidden tears. Still, there are questions those are left unsaid, and I wish I could find an answer for them one day. But for the moment I know where I need to direct myself, what I need to add later to my journey with time. Anyways, I also wanted to wish myself “Happy Birthday,” and hope that one day I would also feel special as others for this day.

Not too many words today to frame them in the form of poetry, but just a few lines for me.

As I grew with time, I lost the meaning of this day in the midst,

Midst of relations where the things are only virtual and demanding,

Emotions indicate weakness for others, neither strength to support the drive,

I just saw the adaptation of everything which can help to survive,

But I don’t want to become like others, I wish to have life as mine,

Where I can walk without any perturbations and fear,

And I can find the real reason of being alive, what I could only define.